Mrs Christ

I just found out about your father. He was a good man that was always entertaining anytime he came to our home

He will be missed. My condolences

Just thinking about you. Still miss you. Always will...

He was known by most who knew him as Art, by his family as Arvid, and by Brian as Grandad. Sadly my father passsed away last Thursday at the age of 80.

People will remember him for many things: a veteran of the Korean and Vietnam Wars; an uncle who made family gatherings a memorable event; a friend's dad who had his daughter's bridesmaids laughing on the way to her wedding by suggesting ,to ease her highly exciteable state, that he stop at 7/11 for some gum first-I failed to see the humor at the time; a loving & devoted husband of 64 years by my mother; an energetic, loving, devoted & proud grandfather by all his grandchildren; a person of honesty and integrity and great generosity by his friends.

I will fondly remember my dad: who taught me to ride my bike; gave me confidence to go back into the ocean when I was pulled under & fearful; who taught me how to drive in the snow like they do in Wisconsin; who faithfully watched "The Wonderful World of Disney " with me just about every Sunday night of my childhood, as I sat perched on the arm of his chair ; who gently reminded me it was just a story when I cried over Lassie getting lost for the umpteenth time.

I'll remember my dad who had confidence in me to drive cross country by myself at 22, & who carefully mapped out my journey's itinerary which I followed and still have today. And who even though a preacher's son, was not full of religiosity, but demonstrated his belief in, committment to, & faith in Christ every night as he knelt next to his bed and prayed.

The agent from Veteran's Affairs who is helping us after his death is named Angel. The funeral director helping us and with whom the agent needed to talk, is named Angel. In the midst of sadness that made me smile.

"Somehow the Angels comfort me whenever I have tears..." was a verse on a sympathy card a friend sent.

Following will be some photos taken of Brian on his way to college and me on my way down the isle. My dad was giving us both a last word of guidance & love.

He will be buried with full millitary honors at Arlington Cemetery in August.
He will be missed. I don't know how it "works" after death, but I have faith that in God's time we will be reunited with our loved ones, and those who have gone before may already be together.

God's mercy & peace be with you Daddy. Brian
give Grandad a big hug. We love you both.

I was at work on the 3-11 shift the December evening I found out I was pregnant with Brian. It was about a year and a half since Tony and I were married. My hand had been glued to my stomach most of the evening & I had exclaimed one too many times that I just didn't feel well. My fellow nurses were puttiing the picture all together and eagerly approached me with what I thought was an off the wall suggestion, to take a specimen to the lab. We finished administering meds and treatments, passing each other with expectant grins on our faces. The call came up nearing the end of the shift that I was pregnant. Screeches of joy and laughter & sisterly hugs followed from my workmates, and I was ecstatically speechless!

I drove home slowly on the cold, clear, wintery night. Sliver sparkles of moon low in the sky flickered through the blowing tree limbs. The stars seemed to lead me home. The lamps of the angels. It was not the usual exhausting ,destressing ride home from a long shift in the hospital that I normally experienced. It was a peaceful glide in which I was not aware of any fatique or discomfort. Only aware of a new life.

Tony was out of town for a few days and I waited till I got home to call as I wanted to let it fully permiate my mind and then give to him the good news. He could not contain his love & excitement. It rushed with his voice through the phone line. We were to be parents and we were tremendously happy.

The weeks following I would go to bed and lay with my hand again on my abdomen,and the life inside would connect me to a thrill of expectancy and the unknown. Who had been a twinkle in God's eye was now with me and that would be my first remembrance of Brian.

Remembering you Brian on Mother's Day and loving you always. Mom

Haven't posted in awhile, another loss of life a week or so ago from my college. Drunk driving involved. I miss you man.

-Ryan

We were happy to hear from Mr. Sterner and appreciate his sharing. Our prayers are with him.his sons & family, and their foundation and it's participants, as they run the Boston Marathon this April, & as they continue to "fight the good fight" as we all must do in the struggle to clear away, not add to, the many masks we put on and glorify as self, vs. our true created self-the spritual self God has endowed us with.

Lay Down Your Burden
by Amy Grant

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see these sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

We love you Brian. You're always remembered
Miss you, mom.

We received a donation from the Christ family today. We thank them so much for reaching out. And I can only hope that I might reach in and be humble enough to allow the only Light that is the Light of men to reach through me and offer any comfort and warmth that might avail itself to you.

I visited the website and, being moved literally to tears, realized something: so often so much in life gets carried so far away, whether sober or clear, that I lose touch with humanity. The struggle is great. We all know it. We all feel it. But when we reach out to each other, in comfort or support, we find that the human existence leaves us needing one another to understand ourselves. And so our struggle goes on.

My son Nicholas Shane, about whom you may have read in the Runner's World article, is doing very well. In fact, he is headed to South Dakota to finish his degree and then plans on going to Seminary. He has turned into a fine young man. He is unfortunately struggling with a torn muscle that occurred in the Boulder Marathon last September, so his running has become a source of frustration - one which, he will tell you, points him deeper into his Faith.

My 21 year old son, who is also a fine young man, struggles. Drugs and alcohol take their toll, and he causes me to reflect back on the mistakes I've made in my own life that have left an impact. His name is Zach. I share this with you all because with one simple reach you have all shared so much with us.

The AIR Foundation continues to work with teens and adults in recovery. In fact, we participated in over 30 races last year - including 8 marathons - with over 100 participants. The current economic status has left us struggling, but faith and perseverance will carry us through. Our hope is that we can reach people and bring them across finish lines, supporting and lending a hand in times of happiness and of hardship.

I have been inspired and touched by Brian and again thank you for reaching out. If you would like, please contact us at any time. I'm heading to the East to participate in the Boston Marathon in April and will be in Philadelphia for a few days also.

Faith,

Nick
Nicholas Sterner
The AIR Foundation
1150 W. 5th Avenue
Denver, CO 80204
720-365-2935
www.TheAIRFoundation.Org
Nick@TheAIRFoundation.Org

note- the website I gave for The Air Foundation is not up at the moment- here is the article from runners world about the founders that inspired us to do a Marathon called
"The Healing Power of the Marathon"

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--12302-0,00.html

On January 1, 2008 I posted a story about a Colorado man and his son who became sober by running marathons, and who now help others do the same.
One year later on January 11th of 2009, Katelyn, Brian's sister, ran and I walked the Walt Disney World Marathon! We were inspired by their story.

WE DID IT FOR BRIAN!!!

We did it for others who struggle with addiction and are in recovery.

We did it for our own "recovery"
and I like to add,
for God's glory!

For anyone interested in more information about the story or how to donate to this cause her are some websites:

www.theairfoundation.org
www.denverrescuemission.org

We'd walk a million miles for you Brian and back!! We love and miss you, Brian's family

In a care package to Brian when he was feeling lost but hopeful at Hazelden I included a U-2 cd with this song. Thought I'd share it now.




"Bono's vague lyrics have led to many fan interpretations of the song's meaning, but Bono frequently told the story behind the song in concert: the song is about heroin—specifically, about a friend of Bono's "who was given on his 21st birthday enough heroin into his bloodstream to kill him."


Bad by U-2

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender
Dislocate

If I could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
Id lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so fade away

Im wide awake
Im wide awake
Wide awake
Im not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

If you should ask then maybe theyd
Tell you what I would say
True colors fly in blue and black
Bruised silken sky and burning flag
Colors crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
Let it go...

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Let it go

And so fade away
To let it go
And so fade away
To let it go
And so to fade away

Im wide awake
Im wide awake
Wide awake
Im not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

Thinking of you Brian, Love Mom

As we remember all our friends and family, we thank all who remembered us and Brian on Christmas. We watched The Nativity Story and Home Alone 2 together as a family. If anyone wants to experience Brian at age 10 or so watch Home Alone! It's uncanny how much he resembles the boy in the movie. We all commented on it and were able to laugh and remember him for his cleverness, sweetness, quick mind & ability to figure things out & navigate through things at an early age. This was probably the first time we all were on the same page at the same time with our memories.
As usual I have a passage to share. It's from a book written in the early 1900s by Charles L Allen.


" 'I am the resurrection, and the life' he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live'
In Korea, they call a Chritian a resurected person. They mean that the soul of the Christian was spiritually dead, but he has allowed the spirit of Christ to come in, believed in Him, responded to that belief, and has begun to love again.
Once they were building a new highway in England. In the way stood a very, very old building. The workmen tore it down and cleared off the ground on which it stood. After the ground had been exposed to the sunshine and rain for some months, a wonderful thing happened. Flowers began to spring up, and botanists and naturalists from all over England came to study them. Many of the flowers were identified as plants the Romans had brought to England almost two thousand years before. Some of the plants that sprang up are completely unkown today.
Hidden there in the ground, without air and light, the seeds seemed to have died. But they were not dead. As soon as the obstacles were cleared away, and the sunshine let in, they sprang into the fulness of their beauty.
So the seeds of eternal life are in every human life. But often those seeds are buried under such things as unbelief, selfishness, pride, lust, preoccupation, or some other sin. But with humility and with childlike faith we bow before Him, it is the resurrection and the life for us.Marvelous things happen within our souls and we become finer and better than ever we had dared to hope. Life takes on for us a new meaning, a new radiance and beauty, a new happiness, and peace becomes ours. We live again."
The Kingdom of God is within us and eternal life begins now.

We love and remember you Brian & always hold you dear in our hearts, mom

I was just thinking about Brian yesterday while driving past Corpus Christi. It's amazing how quickly time passes. It doesn't seem like that long ago that we were standing around on the blacktop there each day. I was recently hanging out with some O'Connell friends and we pulled out a yearbook to look back at good memories and catch up on where everyone is now. We all remarked on what a good, down to earth guy Brian was. Something brought me to this page today..I haven't been here in a while. Upon seeing the date, I felt I should post because there was a reason Brian popped into my mind over the past few days.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Christ family. I hope you find some peace in this Christmas season.

I'm thinking of you today, Brian. It's hard to believe it's been 4 years.

My thoughts are also with the Christ family today.

Love, Kate

As expected, everyone is with me on remembering a great friend we lost 4 years ago on this day. It's hard to be cheerful for my sister's birthday when you died this day. I hope that the Christs are doing well.

-Ryan

Brian miss you much, though I know you are here. See you later.

T140.32crew

4 years since we lost you.

Miss you today so much. Keep watch over us

Tommorrow it will be 4 years since we lost Brian.
Mrs. Christ and I will be out at the grave site from about 5:00PM to 5:30PM.

Although you don't need to come if anyone wants to drop by they are more than welcome.

Dear Brian,

We have many fond memories of you as we come close to Dec. 15, when you went to the Lord 4 years ago.
We miss you very much!
As I am typng this message at Jonathan's desk, to the left of the computer screen on Jonathan's bulletin board, there is a nice picture of Brian .
Brian, you have had a positive impact on our lives, as you have had on many other's lives.
May your memory be Eternal!

Love Always,
Aunt Ianthe, Uncle Steve, Krislyn, and Jonathan

Lee Ann,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and observations. I appreciate reading your insightful comments. Your daughter's message was very touching. I wish I could have met Brian. I will be thinking of him and his family.

Love,
Debra

It's approaching what Fellow Travelers, as those of us who have lost a child sometimes refer to each other, would call Brian's "Angel Date". It will be four years since he left, on December 15th. Angel date is a beautiful way to remember that day. I must say though, that I do not believe our children become angels. I believe they are with the angels but are not angels. For clarification, I looked up:
What does the Bible say about angels?
*****
" Angels are personal spiritual beings, having aspects of intelligence, emotions, and will. This is true of both the good and evil angels. Angels possess intelligence (Matthew 8:29; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Peter 1:12), show emotions (Luke 2:13; James 2:19; Revelation 12:17), and demonstrate that they have wills (Luke 8:28-31: 2 Timothy 2:26; Jude 6). Angels are spirit beings (Hebrews 1:14), with no true physical body. The fact that they do not have bodies does not affect their being personalities (any more than it does with God).

The knowledge angels possess is limited by their being created beings. This means they do not know all things as God does (Matthew 24:36). They do seem to have greater knowledge than humans, however. This may be due to three causes. (1) Angels were created as a higher order of creatures in the universe than humans are. Therefore, innately they possess greater knowledge. (2) Angels study the Bible and the world more thoroughly than humans do and gain knowledge from it (James 2:19; Revelation 12:12). (3) Angels gain knowledge through long observation of human activities. Unlike humans, angels do not have to study the past; they have experienced it. Therefore, they know how others have acted and reacted in situations and can predict with a greater degree of accuracy how we may act in similar circumstances.

Though they have wills, the angels are, like all creatures, subject to the will of God. Good angels are sent by God to help believers (Hebrews 1:14).


Angels are an entirely different order of being from humans. Human beings do not become angels after they die. Angels will never become, and never were, human beings. God created the angels, just as He created humanity. The Bible nowhere states that angels are created in the image and likeness of God, as humans are (Genesis 1:26). Angels are spiritual beings that can, to a certain degree, take on physical form. Humans are primarily physical beings, but with a spiritual aspect. The greatest thing we can learn from the angels is their instant, unquestioning obedience to God’s commands."
*****

I'm sure they are busy delivering God's love to us
in many ordinary ways & messages about our departed loved ones and our everyday existance. I believe to have been on the receiving end of that many times. And awesomely, of God's Holy Spirit... Amen (surely, truly, of a truth)

*****
Nearing this date, I decided to post Brian's sister's actual obituary message that she wrote and submitted to the Wash. Post. The reporter apologized for having to abreviate it but offered Katelyn a job writing there anytime! Here it is, as we remember Brian on his upcoming "angel date".

I miss you Brian,and my love for you is forever. Now, listen to your sister- no comments!
******

The search for happiness is a lifelong journey. Though we all take steps in the wrong direction, some people never get the chance to get back on the right track. On December 15th, Brian Christ, a 22-year-old Electrical Engineering student, and my beloved brother, took one such step, unaware that it would be his last. A product of poor judgment, not desperation, my brother's death was the result of an unfortunate drug overdose.

A lively asset to any occasion, Brian lit up conversations with his witty and colorful comments, and warmed hearts with his reserved, calm demeanor. Growing up, Brian was a member of several club sports teams, but found comfort and excelled most in his Boy Scouting and Tae Kwon Do endeavors. Always eager to lend a hand to his friends and to those less fortunate, Brian participated in countless service activities and eventually earned the Eagle Scout Award. Further, years of intense, Tae Kwon Do practices also provided Brian with a well-deserved Black Belt. As a Greek Orthodox Christian Brian served as an altar boy for one year, worked in the summer at a Carry Out store during High School, and later went on to become a distinquished intern for Congressmen Tom Davis, to work in Radio Shack, and to run a successful University Painter's Franchise. Accepted into UVA with exceptional SAT scores and an eager mind, Brian worked hard and was due to complete his Electrical Engineering degree with another semester of classes.

Never afraid to shake up conventions or question authority, Brian possessed an unmatched charismatic, rebellious spirit that was often blanketed with sincere composure. His courage in all endeavors was admirable. A kindred soul who instructed, enlightened, amazed and truly loved his family and friends, Brian will be missed intensely.

Though Brian's life on earth was abruptly stopped by an addiction, to which his body fell prey, his life after death has begun by the determination and love his passionate spirit kept alive. For the sake of my brother, we need to examine our own addictions, whether they be to work,to food, to greed, or to contempt. Though physically healthier than drug addictions, entertaining these compulsions also falls short of reaching true happiness if pursued steadfastly.

A product of his loving upbringing, courageous mind and spiritual awareness, and not of his society, my brother was not a statistic. Ambitious about pursing a career in culinary arts and completing his education, Brian worked hard to recover and had no intention of ending his life that night. Disenabled to continue on his righteous path to recovery on earth, however, Brian became the victim of poor judgment. However, the achievements he has amazed us with, the friendships he has blessed us with, and the love he held within for us have made everlasting memories in our hearts that will outlive any physical presence of my brother. Taken young at heart by an evil fought against with conviction by both my brother and my loving parents, Brian will have to continue his journey after death. Only there will he think with the clear peace of mind for which he sought and love with the true heart we all know he had.

I had to google the name "Danzig" that appeared on the entry below. It refers to a now 53 year old punk rocker, who started the band, The Misfits. I find the his bio and song lyrics disturbing and wish we had been much more aware of the group Brian sported on the t-shirt he wore when he was 15, actually decifered the lyrics vs. just hearing "the noise", & been much more inquiring of who Brian was hanging out with back then. Who we associate with, what we listen to, what we watch, have great impact on our minds. Too much is labeled harmless, a stage. Young minds can fall prey easily. More regrets. Another piece in the pie of things we missed.

"Woe to those who call evil good,
and good evil;
Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness;
Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!"
Isaiah 5:20


Let's keep in mind Brian's last words.

"All of this is depending heavily on my ability to stay clean, as I've mentioned before I have a little problem with morpheus' delights, and it seems to keep coming back up and wrecking my world in one way or another. Wish I'd never started, and wish it wasn't such an ominous aspect of my life, but I am what I am and unfortunately, as I'm writing this
I've just IVed a decent amount of Baltimore's finest smack."

Brian, I well know, called his addiction what it was- evil. And he battled against it.

Love you always Brian, Mom

Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember halloween

Dead cats hanging from poles
Little dead are out in droves
I remember halloween

Brown leafed vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember halloween

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween
Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

Never go a day without thinking of you

Happy Belated Birthday Brian! Thinking about you! You are often on our minds and always in our hearts! We love you and miss you!
All Our Love,
Uncle Steve, Aunt Ianthe, Krislyn, and Jonathan

So I just wrote you a note and said happy belated birthday, it was meaningful and told you that I wouldn't have remembered without checking this blog/having ish to pass it between us. Either way, our friendship is what counted. I bought a condo, wish you were here to help christen it. We miss you, and there isn't a day that any of us don't think about you in some way shape or form. This blog just reminds us of that, sorry I haven't been around for awhile, the system of work has me trapped down.

Toast for you

“To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die.” –Thomas Campbell

Thinking of you and your family Brian, and keeping all of you in my prayers

Happy Birthday

Love,
Debbie Wright

As always, I think of what crazy party we'd have for your birthday

Happy 26th birthday, we miss you dude

Brian,
I am thinking of you and your family. Send your family hugs and kisses. They love you and miss you so much.

Hugs,
Debra

BEREAVED BIRTHDAYS

BIRTHDAYS ARE A TIME FOR CELEBRATION
NOT A TIME FOR TEARS.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK THE YEARS?

A BIRTHDAY MARKS THE MOMENT
A SPIRIT ENTERS EARTHLY LIFE
TO SHARE ITS SPECIAL LOVE AND JOY
AND LEARN FROM EARTHLY STRIFE.

BEFORE A SPIRIT COMES TO US,
IT KNOWS WHEN AND HOW IT MUST DEPART.
IT CHOSE ITS PATH CAREFULLY,
WE ARE HONORED FROM THE START.

THE SADNESS WE NOW FEEL
ON SUCH A JOYOUS DAY
IS LONGING FOR OUR LOVED ONE'S TOUCH.
IT'S NATURAL TO FEEL THIS WAY.

FOR EVEN THOUGH THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK A SPIRIT'S STAY,
LOVE CONTINUES ON FOREVER
TO TOUCH US EVERYDAY.

SO HUG YOUR PRECIOUS MEMORIES
CLOSER TO YOUR HEART
AND HONOR YOUR BELOVED SPIRIT CHILD
WHO CHOSE YOU FROM THE START.

Author Unknown

I wish love and comfort for all of you as you remember and cherish all of the special memories of Brian, especially today his 26th birthday. Brian continues to inspire others from above, just as he always did!

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky. . . but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."
Eskimo legend

Happy birthday, Brian. I'm thinking of you today, just like every other day.

Dear Brian,
We miss you. We really miss you. You would be 26 today. It may seem we are limited by only 22 years with you, or 18 & 15, for your sisters, even less for some of your friends. But the love we all shared in your lifetime is limitless.

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Cherishing those precious memories, & thoughts of you on your birthday today, and everyday.
Love, Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley


In This Place
by Genesse Bourdeau Gentry

Brave Hearts, you are here.
You have traveled a dreadful distance,
you have come,
seeking solace,understanding, hope,
Threads to patch what death so cruelly undone.

In this place you can relax and breathe...
The coats of others' expectations taken off
Walk into these few hours as into an oasis
Where draughts of love and memories can be quaffed.

In this place all names can be spoken;
In this place each one's story may be told.
We will not be discouraged by your sorrow;
In this place all feelings, we enfold.

Here, laughter does not mean we are forgetting;
We do not count how many tears are shed.
Both fuel us, fellow travelers, give us courage,
For the long road we see ahead.

And those we love are pleased we are together,
Smile down on us, and bless this day,
Glad for every tiny step we are taking
As they send their light to guide us on our way.

Traveling with us as we journey onward,
Sending strength for what the miles may bring,
They are a part of everything we do that matters-
In every dance we dance and every song we sing.

It doesn't matter how long they've been gone, the hole they left in our hearts can only be filled when we hold them again in Heaven. May you know our Lord's presence and comfort in a very special way as Brian's birthday approaches.

Some things I'd like to say but, first of all,
to let you know that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven where I dwell with God above,
where there is no more tears or sadness.
There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you, when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again
You were missed were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here so badly, as part of My big plan.
There's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man".

Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do.
Foremost on that list of mine is to watch and care for you,
And I will be beside you, every day and week and year.
And when you're sad, I'm standing there to wipe away the tear.
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years,
because you're only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But, do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you of all that God has planned,
but, if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
but one thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is o're,
I am closer to you now then I ever was before.
And to my very many friends-trust God knows what is best.
I'm still not far away from you.
I'm just beyond the crest.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb,
but together we can do it, taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy, and I'd like it for you too,
that as you give unto the World, so the World will give to you.
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain,
then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.
So if you met somebody who is down and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind...
I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.
And when you feel the gentle breeze, or the wind upon your face,
that's me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace.
And when it's time for you to go from that body to be free,
remember you're not going...you are coming here to me.
And I will always love you from that land way up above.
Will be in touch again soon.
P.S. God sends His Love

(Author unknown)

To my

Well Brian, I know you would appreciate this, as you were the only one who came willingly, when I was summoning all to the scene of a hawk on the soccer net in the backyard.

I was walking with the dogs and near our house(in suburban D.C.),on a tree covered stretch of road, when suddenly there came a low flying eagle, wings outstretched and in fast pursuit of a smaller bird. It flew around the corner and just 12 feet or so above the street in front of us, dodging the phone wires and the overhanging trees. I was astounded! What an awesome sight! I remember you saw eagles in Md. during a scout excursion and were so anxious to tell about it.
(note for doubters- the local newspapers have reported that there are eagles nesting on the GW Parkway along the Potomac River)

Well, continuing on the walk, I then spotted a rainbow cloud. It was sunny and no rain before or after. It was a small colorful cloud! I googled rainbow clouds and evidently there are a lot being seen in the N. East. Really something.


" The eagle has a rich symbolic history. An early legend held that the eagle would periodically renew its youth (or plumage or eyesight) by flying near the sun and then plunging into a lake or fountain. On this basis the eagle became a symbol for the Resurrection. Since the eagle soars upward, it also became a symbol for Christ's Ascension. Eagles also represent Christians who have been baptised into Christ, who have died and risen with Him. The eagle is also a symbol of St. John the Evangelist because of his "soaring" witness to Jesus' divine nature. (The symbols for the four Evangelists — the eagle, the winged lion, the winged man and the winged ox — are derived from Ezekiel's vision of four living creatures, although Ezekiel's description is most likely of cherubim.)

Isa. 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not be faint. (NIV)"

* Below is a website with the trailer for the video I spoke about in my previous entry. The film carries these parents and others through the many changes in their lives since they lost their children. A few lost children in well known tragedies, like Sept. 11 and Columbine. It was helpful to me and to other parents at the conference that I attended so wanted to share it.

www.spacebetweenbreaths.com/Trailer.wmv


Brian,To us, here, the magnificence of creation brings wonder and awe. My hope is that you are seeing much more amazing things than this right now with our Creator.

I love you, Mom

Brian-

It's dad, we miss you very much. Nothing will change that. Mom your sisters and I are all well and we grieve in different ways.

You would be very proud of your sisters they are both kicking butt in college. katelyn graduated with a double major from UVA. English and Economics and Ashley has a 3.6 Cum at Mason in nursing. Recently Katelyn won a Fellowship for graduate studies in Economics from George Mason.

Mom and I have acted in our own ways to deal with your lose. Mom has done some community service and grown closer to God. I have founded a Political Party for the younger generation. You are the inspiration for Liberty Party USA. It's something I believe you would have agreed with. Everytime I work on it I feel I am honoring your memory- it's a job no one is doing however it is necessary to preserve Liberty for all your peers in the younger generation.

This is my way of honoring your memory and doing something positive for the future--Love Dad

I thought of our early summer of 1998 today. Wow that was 10 years ago

You were training for cross country and getting in shape (albeit you would choose not to run xc in the fall) and I was trying to get ready for football season before heading to Pakistan

Your dad would have you, Dimitri and myself run at the track at Falls Church high school. It was our constant commitment to fitness, on again and off again at times, but we were doing it

That summer really jump started my focus to fitness. For the rest of your life we'd always end up either playing basketball, running, or lifting weights, no matter what

Anytime my body is sore, like it is now from a basketball game, I think back to those times on the track

This weekend I attended J.I.M.'S(join in memory) conference in williamsburg, Kentucky. It felt more like a family reunion than a conference as those in attendance were all parents who lost children. Albeit, it is not a group anyone aspires to join, but it was good to have a group to be a part of after losing Brian. There was immediate connection and security to grieve & to be happy remembering and sharing about our children. That dichotomy of grief,sorrow and joy, where only one state is illuminated at a time, but that both make up the whole.
Included in the time spent there were-

**a concert by Cindy Bullens, a singer songwriter who lost her child 14 years ago and whose music was inspired by that loss. She wrote the very poingant soundtrack to the award winning documentarty,www.SPACE BETWEEN BREATHS.com. which was shown to us during the conference. All 10 songs relating to her daughter's death and her grieving and choosing to live. Both the music and the film were so meaningful and powerful. check them both out at the website above.

**a memory table where parents shared pictures and writings by or about their children, art work and other creative displays, that really brought us close to each other.

**small workshops on subjects like making it through the first year, faith, and "signs" from/about our children. I did signs and was happy to see I'm not the only one by any means getting encouragement from butterflies, and dreams,rainbows, different encounters with people. I now have an "I brake for butterflies" bumper sticker! It remined me of the time Brian went to Greece with Kate and her family and they visited Rhodes. Before he showed the pictures to us he said something like "Mom you're going to really like the one of the butterfly island!". How would he have known. Actually looking back at the picture Kate put recently on the site it was the Valley of Butterflies. (see Dec. 13,2005 entry)

**We had a group balloon release, where all eyes gazed until the last balloons were out of sight. It was held in a garden dedicated to all the children's memories then and in the past whose parents have attended.
Dinah, the lady putting it on, and her husband, lost their son Jim and through their pain have created this wonderful program. It gives her great joy. Rosemary and her husband, who lost their 2 sons in the same accident, created the Children of the Dome, and the documentary, Space Between Breaths.

**We all brought soil from a place special to our child, which was then mixed together and spread around a Christmas angel in the garden. We got some of the combined soil to bring home. Also a "forever" plant. A type of sedum which looks an awful lot like the one Brian brought home from westlawn Elem in 4th grade.

**I met and was touched by so many nice people, hurting and missing their chidren like us and wanting to share and reach out to others. And instead of reinforcing our pain, as some might think, the experience was a validation of it and it offered a place where you don't have to put it aside because other's think you should have "closure" or be finished with it. It is in the fabric of our souls now and will never be gone. It is cherished and we live with it. And we do have to chose to live. I'm glad we have done that. It is what Brian would want and we will carry on whatever we do, whether a simple task or something else in the community that we think of, in his memory.

**we had a candle lighting ceremony where we placed the candles in front of pictures of our children. We gave their "angel dates" and assigned a symbol to them. Mostly people did animals. His angel dates are, September 16,1982-December 15,2004, and a giraffe was his symbol. I chose a giraffe because the long neck represents spiritual forsight, they are very curious, and can defend themselves with one quick blow from their hooves.- Brian was very curious and bright all through childhood, introspective and thoughtful in his thinking, and held a blackbelt in tae kwon do. When he was little he was peaking out through his blinds. When I asked him what he was doing he said "there might be a giraffe looking in!" I got him a little giraffe that he carried with him to college. I guess he was facing his fears.

**I attended because of a very nice mother named Debra, who I met through going to a grief site that the Special Dream author, whose book my dream was in, recommended. I had contacted Debra after reading a response she left on the grief site to a father whose son died of a drug overdose. She sounded so caring and I was ready to talk to another mother who had lost her child to an overdose. I unloaded Brian's story and she gladly accepted it and shared her son's story. She told me about the conference and I had seen a piece she wrote about her son Clinton in the Lamentations newsletter. I am very grateful to have my family nearby and my own personal "compassionate friends", some for 40-45 years now! But it had been 3 1/2 years since Brian left us and it was time to open up to others in the same situation. So I made the decision to attend.

** I feel that I expanded my territory of grief and love to include those that I met and their situations. Like those in the Space Between Breaths movie, I too have a desire and conviction and an urgency to reach out of myself in honor of Brian and for God's glory to others in need. I'm very thankful to the people who made this experience possible for so many.

Here are the lyrics to one of the songs from the soundtrack. Please pass this on to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.

Love you forever Brian, Mom



Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth
Written and recorded by Cindy Bullens


I curse the night
I watched you slip away
Wouldn't have done no good
To beg you to stay

You were here beside me
But now you're gone
I'm just trying hard
To carry on

But there's no rhythm in the rain
There's no magic in the moon
There's no power in this pain
Till somewhere between heaven and earth
I can find you again

Hearts are broken
And dreams are lost
But I made a promise to love
At any cost

Little did I know
The price was so high
Losing forever
In the blink of an eye

There's no rhythm in the rain
There's no wishes in the stars
There's no power in this pain
'Till somewhere between heaven and earth
I can hold you again

If I could one more time
Feel your hand in mine
Hear your voice call my name
And whisper sweet good night

Then there'd be rhythm in the rain
There'd be magic in the moon
No such thing as love in vain
And somewhere between heaven and earth
You'd be with me again
And I could see you again
And I could hold you again, my baby
Somewhere between heaven and earth
I will see you again

Way to go Katelyn!
I told you you could do it!
WAHOOWAH!!!
Love, Brian

I had thoughts this week of a children's song about dandelions that Brian loved when he was little . And also thoughts about the bouquets of them he used to give me. Our yard to my delight alone I'm sure, was covered with them this April. Weeds they are, but the sight of them recollects for me, my children's dreams blown softly into the wind, warm sunny days, the joy of their sweet faces and the soft cushioned paths provided for them to play and walk on, that sprung back uncrushed and unbothered by their trampling feet. God's beautiful world! It keeps me going and growing.

"A weed is just a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered." * Ralph Waldo Emerson

********
"Even for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief;
Death cannot long divide,
For is it not as though the rose that climbed my garden wall
Has blossomed on the other side?
Death doth hide,
But not divide;
Thou art but on Christ's other side!
Thour art with Christ, and Christ with me;
In Christ united still are we."

********
Mother o' Mine
by Rudyard Kipling


If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose love would follow me still,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

If I were drowned in the deepest sea,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose tears would come down to me,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

If I were damned of body and soul,
I know whose prayers would make me whole,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

********

"Be strong, my soul!
Thy loved ones go
Within the veil. God's thine, even so;
Be stong."

********

"...Is it well with thy child? And she answered,
It is well." 2 Kings 4:26


I miss you on Mother's day, on every day, Brian.
And I love you so. Mom